What does the world hold for me?

I've been fearing this day would come. I had hoped for the last 6 months that it would never come. I planned to go on living my life the way it was yesterday, last week, and even 6 months ago. But the time has arrived where I no longer am being assisted by Uncle Sam. No longer will he be sending me a check in the mail every week. As I've casually searched for jobs I looked where I knew I could do what I was asked but felt deep down that I didn't stand a chance. Often though, small glimmers of hope shown through. There were a lot of places where I had almost banked on being hired by the company. My interviews always seemed to go off perfectly. Often they would give me more hope than you should offer an interviewee. And now, as January 10th draws closer and closer, I wonder if anyone out there will ever accept me.

Not having a job, or anything else to do for that matter, has caused me to have spouts of depression, extreme stress, and even complete breakdowns of my mental and emotional wellbeing. In the same breath though, I could say that I have had many opportunities to serve others and build relationships with those around me that I wouldn't have been able to do otherwise. It's been a blessing and a curse.


The more that I search for jobs, the more I am directed to Salt Lake valley. Maybe because they have more jobs than where I am now and searching online brings more out of that area, but I still feel myself being drawn around the point of the mountain. But with moving to new places and starting new things there comes a little bit of anxiety. The idea of change is terrifying to me. I wonder about trying to start fresh with friends, dealing with new roommates, being on a normal-person schedule, or just knowing that life will be different. When I start to think about all of those things, I get scared a little.

And while it's no consolation, my only solace in all of this is knowing that, when it's all said and done, I'll be able to find a place where those I'm asked to serve will know that I'm there for them both in my friends and my job. The new people I meet will understand that I care, even if I've never met them before, and those that I will lose contact with, hopefully I have left something for them to appreciate and forgive those times that I spewed a negative or ungrateful attitude on them. And whether or not this ever happens, in the end, I will still be me. Just a kid, trying to get by in life. Doing nothing... always.